If you can find the bitch that loves Starbucks more than me, point her out because she and I should be besties.

A Starbucks a day, however,  is a great way to rack up a lot of calories and fat grams and spend a lot of money if you happen to like the sweet foofy drinks like I do.  I seldom drink black coffee.

This is a way to help reduce the calories and the cost.

Every week I buy a box of Starbucks VIA Iced Caramel coffee packets (the same ones I raged about because the nutritional label is bullshit) and every two weeks or so I buy a small jug of CoffeeMate Cafe Latte (I have a small fridge in my office.)

The iced instant coffee is 100 calories for a 16 ounce serving. I get in a little cardio shaking the holy hell out of the grinds with some cold water (bonus: the caramel makes my office smell like a candy factory), then I pour the mixture over ice and add a dash of the Cafe Latte. Mix well.

Viola. I have a venti-size iced caramel latte for about 135 calories, which is less calories than a grande-size Skinny Caramel Macchiato.  I didn’t have to drive out of my way to get it either, so I arrive at work earlier and I can enjoy it while I have my Greek yogurt and berries.

The box of five packets of VIA sells for $5.95, and the jug of creamer sells for $2.79 and lasts at least a couple of weeks. That brings the price of my refreshing morning eye-opener to less than $1.50 per serving, which is about $4 less than it costs if the barista made it for me. (Add in another buck saved because I always tip my baristas.)

I am slowly weaning myself off the creamer, using less of it every day, because it does contain some stuff that I would like to eliminate from my diet.  So eventually this concoction should cost less in fat, calories and coins.

When I entered my digits into the Weight Watchers online program, however, I had to have burned off a few calories while cursing at my computer screen, and I was tempted to earn some activity points by tossing my Mac across the room.

Weight Watchers gives you an automated message when you enter your weight, usually of congratulations for a loss. When your digits are identical, however, the message says something similar to “Well, we see you gained 0 pounds this week. What could you have done better?”

Shiny! New! No calories!

Really, Weight Watchers?

Part of the reason I don’t attend meetings is the phony platitudes and fake encouragement. I really don’t need the online version to spew insults at me when I didn’t gain weight. Thanks, but no thanks.

Bummed as I was (and totally regretting that cannoli from last Saturday even though that one single food item had nothing to do with my lack of loss this week) I had shit to do, so I needed to get my Saturday moving.

After a couple of near-collisions in the Starbucks parking lot (it’s very poorly designed for traffic flow) I took my cat to the vet (he’s fine, some antibiotics for tummy problems) reposted all my blog entries from tumblr to this blog (for posterity and just in case anyone might actually be reading this) and then went shopping.

Shopping was supposed to be my reward for a loss instead of food.

I didn’t lose. But I still rewarded myself with a couple of cute tops and a couple a new necklaces.

Because no loss is not a gain, Weight Watchers.

NOT A GAIN. I ate pizza and cannoli and did NOT GAIN weight. I deserve a reward for THAT.

Originally posted on tumblr

Disclosure: I am not a corporation-hater. My husband works for a big corporation and so did I for many years. I also happen to love Starbucks coffee, its shops, pretty much everything about it.

But today, I call BULLSHIT on the monolithic coffee purveyor.

I bought Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee to enjoy at my office. As I have documented here, I am also on Weight Watchers. That means I do pay attention to nutritional labels.

Well, I do now anyway.

Now, I am not an idiot and I realize this product contains sugar and has no nutritional value, so it’s not like I expected it to be anything but an indulgence. But you know what, Starbucks, don’t play me for a fool.

The front of the package (shown above) indicates that there are five packets that will make 16 ounce servings. The instructions on how to make the iced coffee indicate that you should use a packet with 16 ounces of cold water, mix well, add ice and enjoy.

The nutritional label says there is 50 calories per serving.

For a 16-ounce serving?

No. For an 8-ounce serving. All the calories, carbs, etc. are broken down for HALF a packet. There are 10 servings in the box, according to the fine print. The packets, by the way, are not resealable. So each packet is intended, I assume, to a SINGLE serving.

That? Is bullshit.

Now, is 50 calories really a deal-breaker for my diet? No. In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter to my health and happiness? Of course not.

Did I enjoy the 100 calories I consumed drinking this product? I most certainly did.

But does it annoy the holy fuck out of me that some marketing asshole figured out a way that to make this product, at a quick glance, appear to be less than 100 calories, thus not tripping off any alarm bells for the triple-digit calorie count in the mind of those who are watching that sort of thing? Yes it does.

And before anyone tells me I shouldn’t spend my money with the Corporate Man and should support the local coffee shop, let me remind you to read the disclosure. And let me say that our local coffee shop is staffed completely by surly hipster assbags who act like they hate the fact that I even exist.

I love you Starbucks. I will continue to spend my money with you and your friendly staff in your nice, clean stores.

But on this point, I gotta call bullshit.

But since I am an old white lady, I think that would be an extreme exercise in douchebaggery, even if I could pull rhymes out of my sizable ass, which I can’t

So, straight prose it is.

The only photo I have is the empty bag, sadly sitting by my Starbucks cup, because I ate the sandwich before I thought about taking a photo. That, by the way, is more a testament to my hunger than the sheer delectableness of the sandwich.

The wrap is very chewy and dry. The chicken salad filling is OK, but it was skimpy on the promised grapes and pecans that I happen to love in my chicken salad. And the chicken had almost no flavor.

I’ve had this sandwich before on Arby’s soft wheat bread and liked it. I thought that getting the whole grain wrap would be a healthier option and lower in calories.

Here’s a link to Arby’s website for the chicken salad sandwich on bread and a link for the wrap sandwich.

Holy shitballs, there’s a lot of fat and calories in the sandwich, and while I was right that the wrap has less of both, it’s not that much less. And it doesn’t taste that great, either.

And yes, I did realize before I ordered it that chicken salad made with mayo was probably not going to be a caloric bargain.  I just didn’t realize it was quite this bad.

And yes, I also realize the Starbucks isn’t helping my caloric cause.  Jeez. This blog is like talking to my hypercritical mother.

Bottom line: This sandwich is one rung from the bottom on the sucks-in-life ladder and I won’t order it again.

See this double-shot-white-chocolate-mocha-no-whip I have balanced on the steering column of my VW Beetle?

If it does its job, it should keep me from slipping under my desk for a nap this afternoon.

I worked late last evening, I am running errands on my lunch hour (including pumping $40 worth of gas into my tank, fuck-me-very-much, oil companies) and tonight I am going to a book signing by an author whose book I reviewed.

I am so tired food would take to much effort to eat.

Work your magic, grande mocha. Mama needs a wake-up call.

On top of trying to eat healtheir – depsite my endless chocolate cupcake cravings – and scraping a few minutes out of each day for exercise, I’ve been mad crazy busy at work.

A couple of special projects is all it takes to fuck up an otherwise manageable work load.

So yesterday I needed to mail a bunch of stuff – because I am the official stuff-mailer in my office – and I needed boxes. Specifically, I needed some absolutely-have-to-be-there-overnight boxes. So I went to the FedEx store, which used to be Kinkos way back in the day, to get my supplies.

Another surly FedEx employee

And I made the mistake of asking the dude that works there if he had any more large boxes, since all I could find in the mailing supply station was the small ones.

As he rounds the counter to get the size I needed, dude proceeds to remind me, loudly and in front of a bunch of other customers,  that I could order these supplies online and have them delivered to my office.

Never one to react well to a public scolding, I told him that would have required forethought and planning, and apparently he’s never been to my office and doesn’t know how WE roll.

Customers laughed. Dude shot me a dirty look.

Now, possibly he meant to just point out that it would be more convenient for ME if the supplies were delivered to my office. Except he did it while I was inconveniencing HIM by asking him to get me something I needed so I could overpay for shipping with his company.

So I took this as a personal attack.

Yeah, I know I could be more organized in my life, I could be more proactive and think ahead and blah, blah, blah.  I’m sure FedEx dude has all his ducks in a row and never runs out of anything.  But professionally, I run on the fumes in the tank. My head bobs merrily along just above water.

And I shouldn’t have to take shit from purple-polo-shirt-wearing FedEx dude because of my failure to accurately inventory my shipping supplies.

Also, when FedEx delivers boxes and sticky envelopes and waybills to my office, are they going to bring me a tall Starbucks non-fat, no-whip white chocolate mocha like I can get for myself across the street from the FedEx store? No, I don’t think so.

So excuse me for going out of my way to fetch my own boxes and java, Assholio.

Like I said, I may just be a wee bit sensitive lately.  I blame the cupcake cravings.

I took my lunch to work, a Healthy Choice chicken & rice dish vaguely disguised to taste like something with some kind of pseudo-Asian sauce. I had two of these Jello mousse-pudding cups – awesome, fat-free and 60 calories, score!

Then I had to deal with the IDIOTS at the service department where I leased my car, the JACKASSES that took in my car on Saturday morning and told us they wouldn’t even touch it until Monday, the same LYING BASTARDS that then actually performed the service on Saturday but then NEVER CALLED to say it was done, the very same MORONS that left my car sitting on their lot all weekend and all day today and still NEVER CALLED to tell me it was ready, the identical DIMWITS that never returned my two phone calls during the day asking when my car would be ready, and the same GINORMOUS TWATBURGERS that charged me $89 for an oil change.

And you know me and my lack of coping skills.

So off to Starbucks I go.

But I did order a skinny vanilla latte, even though the sweet, tempting voice in the drive-thru box tempted me greatly with the offer of a caramel brulee latte.

So I had that going for me.

Then I came home and had a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner and could not possibly make myself go back out in the sub-freezing temperature to hit the gym.

There’s always tomorrow.