And in case you were unconvinced of the awesomeness of this recipe, allow me to walk you through the marinade process. It’s easy, I promise.

Here’s everything you need to make this recipe. Assembling the ingredients before I start means I don’t fuck up and forget something important or get some step out of order. Cause I am very scatterbrained easily confused busy multitasking and being awesome.

Squeeze the lemons to render out at least a third cup of lemon juice. Acid is important to a marinade, because it helps to ensure tenderness, and lemon juice is the best damn acid I can use because I love the bright, citrus flavor it adds.  It took two pretty good sized lemons to get the juice I needed for this recipe. If you have a lot of leftover juice, you can use it as a cleanser. No shit. Lemon juice is a very good natural cleanser, couldn’t be more green and environmentally friendly, and I use it on my shower tiles. Housekeeping tip from me to you, free of charge.

Squeeze the little bear until you get a quarter to a third cup of honey. This recipe is very fluid, adjust it to the size of your chicken breasts. These are some Dolly-esque chicken boobies here, almost two pounds. So I used a third cup of everything. These two breasts, by the way, will easily feed four people, and the package only cost a little over $4. Split chicken breasts are usually a better deal than the boneless, skinless variety.

Pour the honey into the lemon juice. You will likely have to scape the honey out of the measuring cup. If you are good at eye-balling amounts, you could just squeeze the bear directly into the juice. The honey in this recipe will not only add flavor, but it will help the skin caramelize later in the cooking process. So if you want to go a little heavy on the honey, you go right ahead.

Now it’s cocktail time! Add in an equal amount of bourbon as the honey and lemon. I am calling on my good friend Jimmy Beam, but Jack or Johnny could easily stand in for Jim. If you aren’t a bourbon drinker,  and I confess I am not, you can buy the little airplane sized bottles at the liquor store. They only cost a couple of bucks and you aren’t investing in a booze you don’t drink.

Whisk the shit out of this concoction. You want the honey to dissolve into the juice and the booze. Then rest the chicken skin side down into the bowl. Cover it and put it in the ‘fridge until you are ready to cook it. The longer it soaks the better, so I did this at noon and will pop the bird in the oven around 6 p.m.

Next entry: The chicken goes into the oven and comes out delicious.

This, to me, would normally be a chicken wings, pizza and beer day. But since I am trying to chisel some of the flab off my fat ass, I am planning something equally as tasty but not nearly as ass-widening as wings and pizza.

I make some killer salsa. Fat free, full of flavor and loaded with all those antioxidants that kick the shit out of cancer. Paired with a few chips (this stuff is so good we scoop a boatload of salsa into every Tostitos scoop) it is much better for my thighs than deep fried chicken rolled in butter and hot sauce.

Allow me to illustrate:

First I roast some Anaheim peppers and some tomatillos, which look like little green tomatoes, and they are in the same family as tomatoes, but are actually a type of gooseberry. I shit you not. They are covered in this sticky outer husk that is easy to peel off, and you want to give them a little rinse before roasting. I put the peppers and the tomatillos in the oven on broil for a few minutes until the skins darken and they become soft.

Then I dice a green pepper and some cilantro leaves. I love cilantro. I love the scent and the fresh taste. But some people can’t tolerate cilantro, it can make them gag. I read somewhere that it’s in your DNA code whether you will be a fan of cilantro or not. I don’t know if that’s a scientific fact, but I love it and I warn people of any recipe I put it in just in case they are in the anti-cilantro camp. And if you live in the no-cilantro camp, by all means omit it.

Next I chop up a couple of shallots and a couple of cloves of garlic. Shallots are like little baby red onions and to me, they are sweeter and have a milder flavor than their full-sized cousins. There’s a ton of flavor going on in this salsa, so I like to use shallots. You can just rough chop the shallots  and garlic (be sure to peel off the inedible skins from both. That papery stuff is not good eats.) Be quick about it if you are like me and your eyes tend to get weepy from a strong onion aroma.

Then I slice a fresh jalapeno. Now, if you like heat, leave in the ribs and the seeds. If you do not, take them out. I leave some in cause I like a little heat. Be sure to scrub your hands thoroughly with soap and hot water when you are done chopping any hot pepper because, hear this voice of experience, you will feel the pain of a thousand flaming spears in your eyes if you touch them before getting the capsaicin, the compound that makes peppers hot, off your hands.

And Ceiling Cat and Baby Jeebus help you if you use the bathroom before scrubbing.

Next step is to take the tomatillos and the peppers out of the oven, let them cool a few minutes, and remove the stems and the skin from the peppers. It peels right off after roasting. I leave in some of the seeds on the Anaheims cause I like their mild heat, but I take out the biggest cluster cause that’s just too many seeds.  Toss all it into the food processor with the shallots, garlic, green bell peppers and cilantro. Send the whole thing around for a quick whirl on puree. I don’t like it too soupy, so I only puree it for about five seconds.

Now, open a can of fire-roasted, diced tomatoes. The fire-roasting adds amazing flavor and if you get them already diced you have saved yourself a step. Could you fire-roast your own tomatoes? Sure. But the canned is really good and available all year round and I’d like to see the game sometime today so I use the can.

The dressing for this salsa is fresh lime juice. Don’t use the sweetened Rose’s lime juice intended to make margaritas. Just slice open one fresh lime and squeeze it over the salsa. The trick to getting citrus fruit to give up the juice is to roll it around applying gentle pressure before you slice it. Works like a charm. Add a dash of salt and mix it all up. Taste it.

Too hot? Add more tomatoes or bell peppers to dilute it. And remember next time to remove more seeds and veins from the hot peppers or omit the jalapeno all together. Not enough heat? You could mince up another jalapeno, or if you are very daring, mince up a Scotch bonnet (a.k.a. habenero) and you will set your mouth on fire.

Serve with Tostitos scoops. They make the best vessel to deliver the most salsa to your mouth per dip.

By the way, the best way to cool a tongue flaming from capsaicin? Milk. Seriously. There’s a scientific explanation of enzymes binding with proteins or whatever, but trust me, it works. Beer, water or soda willonly make matters worse.

Next up? My honey-bourbon chicken is for what I hope to be a victory dinner for the Colts.

I entered the most ridiculously easy recipe I have ever made. Three ingredients, pour over some chicken breasts, a little salt and pepper and viola (which is how the French spell wa-la) you have a tasty damn dinner. Seriously, this could not be easier and yet is oh-so-very tasty.

I think I did put measurements in the recipe but I should emphasize that it’s actually a pretty fluid marinade. You can make more or less depending on the size of the split chicken breasts you are cooking. Also, if you like you can go really heavy on the bourbon. It adds a nice, smoky flavor.

Anyway, vote for my little chicken recipe cause it really is tasty and I need all the validation that I am a worthwhile person that I can get. And an Internet recipe contest is a big step in the right direction.