I need to give up the capri length pants I’ve been wearing to work all spring and summer and squeeze my thighs into floor-length slacks and jeans. This, I am afraid, is going to require shopping.

I love to shop for shoes, purses and jewelry. I hate to shop for plus-size clothes — which for some reason retailers are convinced must look extra ugly to make the cash register ring.

Who doesn’t loooove a good pair of blue jeans. But finding a pair that follows the contours of my cellulite deposits in a flattering way is a challenge.

I did find one pair in the back of my closet that are a wee bit small (read one full size) but they have enough give (read stretchy pants convoluted to look like denim) that I can get into them.

My fear is this:

Yeah. As my friends in the South would say, you don’t want the crotch of the jeans to hit ‘ya where the good lord split ‘ya.

So wish me luck as I head out to Macy’s, Marshalls and, gulp, Lane Bryant, in search of a pair of jeans that do not give me an unsightly case of camel toe.

Nude is beautiful. Just not on the furniture, please and thanks.

There was a meme all over Facebook this week about a woman who reportedly wrote a response to a bulletin posted at a gym. I  do not know if any of this is true, so the journalist in me resisted posting it to my wall.

Also, many of the memes included a nude photo of French model Tara Lynn (pictured here) sitting in a wicker chair. While she is certainly beautiful and I appreciate tasteful nudity, I don’t like naked people on furniture. It’s an phobia I have about ass-matter-transfer, one of the multitude of reasons I would never be comfortable at a nudist colony, and totally not relevant to this discussion.

Any old hoo, this is the text of the meme:

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

OK. There’s a lot going on in that meme, and it has generated a lot of discussion.

For some, it’s been eye-opening that beauty does come in all shapes and sizes.  

For others, this seems to say that it’s OK to be obese, no matter what the consequences to your health. (I follow this blogger on Twitter and she’s smart and funny. I totally get where she’s going here.)

My take, for what it’s worth, is this: If some staffer at a gym really posted that flyer, it’s a condescending way to isolate and shame women and it sends the wrong message. In other words, that person is a douche.

Women should not be shamed into fitness because of their appearance, ever. This is not a way to incentivize exercise, at least it’s not for me. The horrific memories of school gym classes come flooding back and that is one of the reasons I’ve always felt like I don’t belong in a fitness facility. Every gym teacher I ever had was Sue Sylvester. True story.

But I am trying to convince myself now that I do belong. I remind myself that I do not swim to look prettier in my swimsuit. I swim, despite all the cellulite jutting out for the world to see, to improve my health.

To the woman who wrote the response that has now been tweeted and liked around the Internet, I am almost there with you. Whales are not overweight and they are certainly not unattractive. They are powerful, graceful and fit. Mermaids are not real and certainly not aspirational. I want to enjoy food, drinks and ice cream, too. I want to embrace my curves. But I also know that too much “cultivation” is going to kill me.

If losing weight has the side benefit of looking better, then that’s great. But the goal for me is to alleviate my arthritis pain and help my mobility. My current weight is impeding my career and my personal life. I have no illusions that I will ever be thin or look like the images in magazines, which are totally unrealistic and, frankly, unattractive.

Fifteen years ago, I was fit and active. I walked more than 20 miles a week and had no problems with blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol etc.

Still, I was 40 pounds over the weight I am supposed to be for my height.

Tara Lynn (with clothes) is gorgeous and curvy. And a size 12, from what I've read.

I have always had a round ass and chunky thighs, and no matter how much shame is shoved down my throat, I always will be curvy. I was not OK with that when I was younger. I loathed the way I looked and those body images haunt me to this day. It’s part of the reason that, as I became older and less active, I piled on so much weight — I found comfort in food that eased the pain of never feeling pretty enough.

People who do not have emotional issues with food will never understand that statement. Those who do know exactly what I mean.

If you can find the bitch that loves Starbucks more than me, point her out because she and I should be besties.

A Starbucks a day, however,  is a great way to rack up a lot of calories and fat grams and spend a lot of money if you happen to like the sweet foofy drinks like I do.  I seldom drink black coffee.

This is a way to help reduce the calories and the cost.

Every week I buy a box of Starbucks VIA Iced Caramel coffee packets (the same ones I raged about because the nutritional label is bullshit) and every two weeks or so I buy a small jug of CoffeeMate Cafe Latte (I have a small fridge in my office.)

The iced instant coffee is 100 calories for a 16 ounce serving. I get in a little cardio shaking the holy hell out of the grinds with some cold water (bonus: the caramel makes my office smell like a candy factory), then I pour the mixture over ice and add a dash of the Cafe Latte. Mix well.

Viola. I have a venti-size iced caramel latte for about 135 calories, which is less calories than a grande-size Skinny Caramel Macchiato.  I didn’t have to drive out of my way to get it either, so I arrive at work earlier and I can enjoy it while I have my Greek yogurt and berries.

The box of five packets of VIA sells for $5.95, and the jug of creamer sells for $2.79 and lasts at least a couple of weeks. That brings the price of my refreshing morning eye-opener to less than $1.50 per serving, which is about $4 less than it costs if the barista made it for me. (Add in another buck saved because I always tip my baristas.)

I am slowly weaning myself off the creamer, using less of it every day, because it does contain some stuff that I would like to eliminate from my diet.  So eventually this concoction should cost less in fat, calories and coins.

I know, right?

I attribute this win to a good defense. In the face of overwhelming yummy food, we made the best choices we could and kept the portions to a reasonable amount. Factor in a lot more walking and a lot less couch planking this week and this added up to a loss, which is really a win.

I have now lost a total of 19.6 pounds. My knee feels so much better with less pressure from those pounds and from the cortisone shot I got in July. After I finish up a few things here at home, I am headed to the gym and then the grocery, where I hope to continue the game plan of making good choices.

I just need to keep my eye on the metaphorical ball of dropping pounds and not on the oh-so-tempting caramel apples that have taken up residence in the produce section.

Self control. I have it. Right?

This is important so pay attention.

DO NOT order the new “oven crisp” chicken sandwich.

It is not crisp and I am not convinced it is chicken. It’s like the worst memory you ever had of processed mystery meat in school lunches from childhood.

It’s just plain nasty.

Eat fresh folks. Stick with the deli meats and veggies. You will be glad you did.

When I entered my digits into the Weight Watchers online program, however, I had to have burned off a few calories while cursing at my computer screen, and I was tempted to earn some activity points by tossing my Mac across the room.

Weight Watchers gives you an automated message when you enter your weight, usually of congratulations for a loss. When your digits are identical, however, the message says something similar to “Well, we see you gained 0 pounds this week. What could you have done better?”

Shiny! New! No calories!

Really, Weight Watchers?

Part of the reason I don’t attend meetings is the phony platitudes and fake encouragement. I really don’t need the online version to spew insults at me when I didn’t gain weight. Thanks, but no thanks.

Bummed as I was (and totally regretting that cannoli from last Saturday even though that one single food item had nothing to do with my lack of loss this week) I had shit to do, so I needed to get my Saturday moving.

After a couple of near-collisions in the Starbucks parking lot (it’s very poorly designed for traffic flow) I took my cat to the vet (he’s fine, some antibiotics for tummy problems) reposted all my blog entries from tumblr to this blog (for posterity and just in case anyone might actually be reading this) and then went shopping.

Shopping was supposed to be my reward for a loss instead of food.

I didn’t lose. But I still rewarded myself with a couple of cute tops and a couple a new necklaces.

Because no loss is not a gain, Weight Watchers.

NOT A GAIN. I ate pizza and cannoli and did NOT GAIN weight. I deserve a reward for THAT.

Yeah, you read that right.

Went to the Rolling-Stones-song-inspired restaurant today for lunch with my husband. And we had salads. Nice healthy, totally on-Weight-Watchers-plan salads.

Look how pretty!

And they were delicious. Just a wee bit of ham (all you see here is all I had) and lots of veggies. And yes, I am totally the douche canoe that dips her fork in the salad dressing instead of pouring it all over the greens.

But then the server brought us garlic cheddar biscuits — little pieces of euphoria.

Garlic cheddar biscuits are the work of the devil for those who are counting calories. And these biscuits blew the ones at Red Lobster off the culinary chart.

They were crisp on the outside, flaky tender on the inside and, well, I just made happy in my pants thinking about it.

We each only had one. We both wanted her to bring a whole tray. It’s how I imagine Amy Winehouse felt the first time she got high. And look how that turned out.

Not sure if I can ever go back to Ruby Tuesday’s.

If I do, I’ll need to go to rehab. Yes, yes, yes.

Today’s diet entree comes from the calorie-conscious kitchens of Weight Watchers Smart Ones and can pretty much be summed up in one word: Yellow.

Until today, I didn’t think of yellow as a flavor. But now, I know what yellow tastes like. And it’s not great.

This bag of frozen sustenance is chicken with broccoli and cheese, three ingredients I happen to enjoy, mixed with rice. Notice the contrast of rich colors in the photo of the product on the bag.

Then notice the rather pale hues of the product in the bowl.

Quite a difference, am I right?

After following package instructions and steaming my lunch in the bag in my office microwave, I tore the bag at the designated spot and spilled the contents into my bowl. It came out in a rather unappetizing white lump.

After swirling the contents with my eco-unfriendly plastic fork, the dish did take on a more food-ish appearance. But I was disappointed* that the flavor pretty closely matched the washed-out color.

It’s edible, but not memorable.

This dish reinforces my philosophy that fake cheese should be avoided at all times.

*OK, not really that disappointed because my expectations were awfully low. 

Gotta admit, I was a little discouraged this week. Emotionally this week has been tough, and I have been all whiny and bitter about trying the weight loss thing again.

I have dropped and added hundreds pounds for more than 30 years, so my failure rate at healthy weight maintenance is pretty solid. Why would this time be any different?

But, other than one indulgent meal that my hubby and I allow ourselves on Saturdays, I was very good at making healthy choices this week and did not give in to emotional cravings. And I lost two pounds this morning at my Weight Watchers scale step.

So that provided a wee bit of encouragement that I can hang with this.

Short term prizes to keep an eye on: A dressy fundraiser gala in a few weeks and a trip to California in October. It will be nice to wear one of my nicer outfits and feel more confident this upcoming soiree and it will be especially nice to have a smaller ass to wedge into an airplane seat for a cross-country flight.

Within-a-year-goal: A trip to New York City for BlogHer12 with my hubby, which will be much more enjoyable being able to walk the city with less achy stabby pain in my knees.

Long term goal: Become the Bionic Woman.Take off enough weight that, when I do get my knee replaced, the rehab will make me stronger, faster, better.

But today? Indulgence Saturday, the day when there is one sinful meal.

There will be pizza. And cannoli. Yes. There will be a celebratory cannoli.