I am a fan of Ellen Degeneres. I consider her to be a beautiful, funny, smart person as well as a fabulous dancer. I would be delighted to have her as a friend.

She is openly gay. I support equal rights for gay people because, you know, rights are rights. And for this to be a truly free nation based on justice, we have to have equal rights for all people– gay and straight, because that’s what equal means.

And I am not just saying that because I like Ellen. I’d say that even if I didn’t think she was awesome. Which I do.

I mean, just because I don’t like someone or agree with how they live their lives doesn’t mean I get to dictate my opinions to them and deny them basic civil liberties.

For example, I do not agree with the way certain members of the group One Million Moms live their lives. They seem like a humorless bunch of bigots and I worry that they are raising their children to be humorless bigots, too, and my daughter and future grandchildren will have to interact with them.

But just because I don’t agree with their lifestyle– and think they should not be allowed to adopt kids because they will indoctrinate them with that lifestyle– doesn’t mean they aren’t entitled to the same rights as everyone else.

Sure, I wish they wouldn’t flaunt their mean-spirited choices in my face by influencing retailers to take a delicious and cleverly named flavor of ice cream off store shelves, but far be it for me to deny them freedom of speech as protected by the First Amendment.

But just as they have the right to speak, I have the right to do the opposite of anything they suggest. For example, I now plan to do much more of my shopping at J.C. Penney.

Not that I plan to abandon Macy’s because true love cannot be denied, but JCP, you won my respect today.

It’s not a good thing when your bag, which you selected because it makes exactly the fashion statement that you want, is just too fucking small to carry all the shit you have to tote around on any given day. It’s not wide enough for a reporter’s notebook, just barely big enough for a point-and-shoot camera, and I lost my beloved earmuffs because they overflowed in my whirlwind trip through the grocery store.

But my real problem is the little pocket in my beloved bag that I use for cards. It’s totally stuffed. Which may not sound like a problem, in fact it’s really a nice problem to have, but it’s mostly filled with gift cards to places I really shouldn’t patronize.

I laid them all out. Besides the nice little Subway card, we have a lot of delicious-but-diet-detouring venues here. Olive Garden, with those divine breadsticks. Logan’s Roadhouse, with it’s steaks and endless buckets of beer and peanuts. O’Charley’s, with yeast rolls that will make you cry. And the worst of them all: Starbucks. Oh, my arch nemesis, that damn green mermaid wench that serves up the very best elixirs ever created. There’s even one from a lcoal Starbucks knock off that happens to make the most heavenly scones.

And how did I acquire this embarrassment of riches? Friends, co-workers, family from all over the country. When you don’t know what to get someone for the holidays, you get them a gift card. And what kind of gift card do you get for people who like to eat? Yeah.

I do NOT want to sound ungrateful. I really feel blessed that so many nice folks opened their wallets and gave us a nice gift at the holidays. It’s just that this bounty of plastic love is an almost overwhelming temptation to actually dine these establishments.

But no good can come of me visiting any of these places.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. Nona, they serve salads at all these places. Well, yes they do all serve salads. And some mighty fine damn salads too. The problem is some of those salads can be as much as 1,000 calories. I shit you not. These chain restaurants’ lighter fare can be as fattening as a fast food burger.

I introduce you to Dottie’s Weight Loss Zone, the most eye-opening site on the InterWebz.  Click on restaurants right under the banner and choose your favorite chain eatery.  Just scan the calorie and fat counts on some of the standard menu items at these places, I’ve been around the weight-loss block enough times to know that I can’t fall for the “just order a salad” trick.

So what to do with my deck of gift cards? Well, I can save them for special occasions when we plan to be bad (most likely use) or I can re-gift them (seems like a good idea but is it tacky?)

What I’d really like to do is trade them in for a new purse. Why oh why doesn’t Olive Garden sell designer bags?

That’s not true. This spiffy new design and new host are the work of blog goddess @MommyGeekology, or @RentAGeekMom, whom I HIGHLY recommend for all your blogging design needs. She’s just wonderful and I can’t say enough good things about her.

You can find her at her blog right here. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

She’s also gorgeous and a great writer, huh?

Tomorrow I will do two things that I’ve avoided for months now: I will step on the scale and I will go to the gym.

There will be tears. There will be screaming.

Then I am going to need to be cuddled. A lot.

And then we had last night’s storm, which threw more snow on this region in a 15-hour period than we’ve had in all the last five years COMBINED.

It’s a bunch of snow. And my bunch, I mean SHITload. The last time I saw this much snow was the Blizzard of 1977 in Indianapolis.