No matter. Pork tonight will be tasty and leftovers tomorrow will be even better.

So the husband fired up our charcoal grill, soaked some wood chips, and coated the previously rubbed meat with brown sugar.  He can never do anything with brown sugar and not sing the chorus from that Rolling Stones song, a quirky habit that I find endearing and cute but others may find geeky as hell.

The sugar, by the way, creates a delicious crust on the meat. In case you wondered.

Anyway, after an hour on the grill it’s time to mop the meat. Mopping helps to keep the outer part of the meat moist and adds another layer of flavor.  We made a balsamic/garlic-infused grapeseed oil dressing and added a few healthy dashes of Worchestershire sauce, chili powder and dried oregano. This will be brushed on the meat everytime we turn it.

How much of each, you ask again. Well, my detail-oriented reader, I have no real idea. We follow the basic rule of dressing: two parts oil to one part vinegar. Everything else was just tossed in to what appeared to be appropriate levels.

Recipe writing my not ever be my forte. I’m a dash-of-this kind of cook. Measuring shit is for baking, so I do it every single time when I’m working with pastry.

A piece of pig this big will likely take about three hours on indirect heat to cook properly.

Since there is only two of us tonight and there will be seven people here tomorrow, we will try not to eat it all tonight and save some of it to go with the boule that our friend @sparkleymegz will make for us tomorrow night.

This weekend, by the way, is a big old throwdown before we come to our dietary senses on Monday.

Promises, promises.

Tomorrow’s dinner will include a charcoal-grilled pork loin, fresh made boule, grilled asparagus and potatoes, and a seven-layer cookie and dark chocolate cupcakes with vanilla bean frosting.

We are going all out because @afloridapeach, who has been interning at the newspaper this summer, is leaving on Wednesday and this will, alas, be her final TBS dinner. We will miss her very much.

Today I made a dry rub for the pork loin, which includes:

• Smoked paprika
• Cumin
• Applewood smoked salt
• Smoked pepper
• Red pepper flakes
• Mustard powder

Now you may be asking, why are there no quantities posted here? What kind of recipe writer are you? Good questions. A little snarky, but fair.

I used equal parts, about three teaspoons, each of everything except the salt, which I used an extra teaspoon, to coat the 5 pound loin pictured here.  And that combo worked out to be the right amount for me.

You may ask, well why didn’t you write that orginially, you home cookin’  blogger bish?  Why are you wasting my valuable time?  Again, a good question, even if you are a wee bit testy today. Relax, have a glass of wine and let me ‘splain.

I come from the Julia Child school of individuality in flavor. To quote the fabulous Julia: “I like it the way I like it, you like it the way you like it.”

I like my meat strong on the smoky flavor, lighter on the heat. If you like less smoke and more kick, put in less cumin, use plain paprika, and ratchet up the red pepper flakes. Add more pepper, more mustard. Do what smells and tastes good to you. I

Also, you may need more or less rub depending on the size of your meat. Unlike sex, size does really matter in cooking.

But talent counts for the most in both.

The most important thing to remember is to RUB YOUR MEAT.  Your hand should look all sticky and grainy, much like this shaky photo, when you are done coating this huge hunk of piggy.  This noble animal should not have given his life in vain.  You want to season this meat to deeply enhance the flavors.

Tomorrow, the loin will cook low and slow on a charcoal grill and we will add a mopping liquid to keep it marinated and moist while it roasts.

More details tomorrow.

And in the meantime, chill out a little. Food is like sex, it should be fun and you know you are really having fun when it gets messy.

This is Eric Northman, the show’s bad-boy vampire and all around hottie. The young ladies who watch this with us swoon over him. I would too but I am already married to a hottie.

And he’s all human and all mine.

If you aren’t familiar with “True Blood,” it’s ever-so-loosely based on Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels and it’s a kick ass show. Sexual, political, scary and funny all at the same time. Not to be missed. Unless you are very sensitive, religious or easily offended.

And if you are all of those things, really, my little food/weight gain loss blog is probably not going to be to your liking. Seriously. I say “fuck” often. See? I did it again.

Any old hoo, it’s hotter than two rats banging in a wool sock here in our commonwealth, so I was trying to think of a something I could make that would go with Mexican food for tonight’s TBS that would also be cool and refreshing.

Besides margaritas, of course.

So I decided to honor Mexico by adding jicama, a terrific root veggie from south of the border, to cole slaw. You know, just to add a little ethnic flair and another layer of flavor to that most boring of summer side dishes.

Here’s the recipe, which is very easy except for chopping the jicama, which is only mildly challenging.

• 1 jicama bulb, peeled and sliced into slender strips
• 1 green cabbage, half a head, shredded
• 1 orange bell pepper, sliced into slender strips (or a red one if you like. I dig orange, but red would be more TrueBloodish)
• 1 carrot, peeled and shredded
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 3/4 cups of cole slaw dressing to coat the slaw, use more or less to taste. I love Marzetti’s original slaw dressing.

Directions (such as they are)

• Peel the jicama, cut off both ends
• Slice that into thin pieces and chop those thin slices into strips
• Shred the cabbage by slicing thin strips and chopping into bite size pieces
• Peel and slice the carrot (it’s easy to use the peeler to shave it)
• Chop the bell pepper into thin slices
• Toss all the veggies together
• Add salt (about 1/2 teaspoon should be enough)
• Add pepper to taste
• Coat with your favorite slaw dressing (again, I like Marzetti. Feel free to make your own or use whatever brand you like)

To make this even easier, you can use a bag of already prepared cole slaw cabbage/carrots.

If you are careful with the dressing this can be a relatively low-fat side, it’s loaded with veggie goodness and should pair well with grilled tilapia soft tacos, roasted corn and tequila.

And Eric Northman.

In no particular order: We went on vacation, during which I got sick and spent time with the in-laws, which was weird in a way I really can’t go into on this blog.  Our daughter moved out. Our beloved dog, Dexter, died unexpectedly. An intern moved in.

And I have yet to make it to Weight Watchers.

Today we picked up Dexter’s ashes from the vet hospital where he died. I had this weird reaction of deeply sobbing one minute to being OK the next. It seems surreal to have this bag full of stuff that was once my dog.

We went for ice cream. Cause that’s what we do when we have difficult emotions.

I needed to spend a little time in my kitchen. That almost always makes me feel better. I can cook, finish the laundry, play my iPod, watch the World Cup. All in my kitchen. It’s my favorite room in the house.

I put a nice dry rub on some boneless pork ribs and then I finally got to make tater salad.

This is not as fattening as it could be, but it’s not light either.

But it’s damn tasty, if I do say so myself.

This is all the basic ingredients. Redskin potatoes. Reduced fat sour cream (NEVER get the fat free version because it tastes like butt cheese. At least, it’s what I imagine butt cheese would taste like.) Garlic powder (not salt, big difference) green onions and shredded cheese (not the least bit butt-cheesy-tasting.)

And bacon bits. I forgot to add the bacon bits to this photo. Buy real bacon bits. Those fake crunchy ones are gross. Like chewing on little pieces of mulch.

If you can fry or bake your own bacon, all the better. I didn’t have time for that. Or bacon. But I had real bacon bits.

Where were we? Oh yes. Tater salad.

I use redskins because I like them and because they are small and easy to cut into bite size pieces. I used a pound in this recipe. They were really small ones and sliced them into sixths. Then I boiled them until tender. If it were not thirteen hundred degrees outside today, I might have baked them instead. But my oven hardly ever sees action in the summer.

After the taters were boiled tender, I drained them and let them cool. Once they were room temperature, I whipped up about a cup of the sour cream with about a cup of cheese, about a quarter cup of scallions (green onion tops) and a whole bag of Kraft Real Bacon Bits. That got poured over the taters and tossed until all the taters were coated. Then I added the garlic powder and stirred again.

You’ll notice I used the word “about” a lot in this recipe. That’s because I eye-balled it and didn’t measure a thing. Your results may vary. Just mix it until it tastes good. Want more cheese? Add more. More bacon? Of course. Don’t like bacon? Leave it out, but I don’t understand you at all. This is seriously good stuff.

And oh-so-very-easy. If anyone is reading this blog that is not a cook, you can make this. Really. It’s simple and it will be a hit at summer cookouts. Really.

And every day I get a little more bold and a little less chicken shit. Body and soul are indeed connected.

It helped that it was a glorious day today. Temperatures over 60, sun shining, mutts wailing. Windows were opened. Dog farts wafted out and fresh air flowed in. It was invigorating. And since it was so warm and fabulous, we had to fire up the charcoal grill. It just had to be done.

Any old hoo, I decied to bake banana bread (post to follow, probably tomorrow) and make my hunny bourbonz chickens and our favorite grilled Caesar salad to go with it.

We had this salad in our favorite local restaurant and have been making it ever since. My initial reaction was, uh, do I really want hot lettuce? But the answer is oh yes, I certainly do. It’s extremely tasty and pretty close to healthy.

Here’s all the stuff required: Romaine hearts, olive oil, salt and pepper, Parmesan cheese and Caesar dressing. Could I make my own dressing? Sure I could, but the idea of anchovy paste is more than I can deal with. I prefer to leave that to someone else. Besides, this brand is delicious.

Slice the lettuce length-wise, leaving the stem intact. This holds the leaves together and makes grilling it so much easier. I might even go so far as to say grilling this lettuce would be damn near impossible, or at least a hot mess, without the stem.

Drizzle some olive oil over the lettuce.

Add pepper. Lots of fresh cracked pepper. As far as my husband is concerned, you can never have too much cracked black pepper.

Add a little Kosher salt. This can be omitted, but even with my high blood pressure, I can still have a little salt, and it really enhances flavor.

Then they go to the grill, with the seasoned, flat side down. Grill for about four to five minutes. Turn it once.

They are done when there is a nice light char on the lettuce leaves. I am no Alton Brown, so I can’t really explain the whole chemical reaction here, but whatever sugar there is in lettuce is now enhanced by adding a little heat. The flavor of this is amazing, and the leaves are tender but not limp.

Serve with a sprinkling of shaved Parmesan cheese and a drizzle of Caesar dressing, and I do mean a drizzle. We maybe used a tablespoon of dressing for both of these Romaine hearts, and it was plenty. We also added a few dashes of Bacon Bacon, which is a seasoning mix of garlic, pepper and dried bacon bits. Adds nice crunch.

Best salad ever. Makes light eating enjoyable.

I preheated the oven to 375 degrees, took the chicken out of the marinade and put it on a broiler pan, added salt and pepper and discarded the marinade. Here is where I preach safe chicken handling: Wash everything, especially your hands, when dealing with poultry. Always discard the marinade. You can’t boil the bacteria out of that shit.

I Safely tucked the chicken in the oven for about 30 to 35 minutes. Then I watched some of the NFC Championship game because either the Saints or the Vikings will play THE COLTS IN THE SUPER BOWL in a couple of weeks.

After 35 minutes (these were some big old breasts) I checked the temperature with my meat thermometer and it was only 140. I wanted to see at least 155 to 160 before I felt like the bird was ready to serve. Safe handling guidelines will tell you 175 to 180, but there is residual cooking when you let the chicken rest before serving, and honestly, as long as the meat is white and not even slightly pink, it’s done. Back in the oven it went for about five more minutes.

Five minutes elapsed and I turned the oven from bake to broil to get the skin crispy. But at that point, it was kick off on the Saints/Vikings game and I think the Vikings struck gold in the end zone first and I lost track of time and, yeah, I charred the skin. It should only have been in the broiler for about two minutes and I left it in for at least a series of downs, probably five to six minutes.

This ain’t the damn Food Network, y’all.

Any old hoo, the thermometer came quickly up over 160 and I knew the bird was done. Removing the charred skin is OK, since the skin is the majority of the fat calories. As you can see, I served the chicken breast with roasted asparagus and a lovely Pinot Noir,  VICTORY WINE AS WE TOASTED THE COLTS!

And the chicken? Kick ass delicious.  Much like my COLTS!

And in case you were unconvinced of the awesomeness of this recipe, allow me to walk you through the marinade process. It’s easy, I promise.

Here’s everything you need to make this recipe. Assembling the ingredients before I start means I don’t fuck up and forget something important or get some step out of order. Cause I am very scatterbrained easily confused busy multitasking and being awesome.

Squeeze the lemons to render out at least a third cup of lemon juice. Acid is important to a marinade, because it helps to ensure tenderness, and lemon juice is the best damn acid I can use because I love the bright, citrus flavor it adds.  It took two pretty good sized lemons to get the juice I needed for this recipe. If you have a lot of leftover juice, you can use it as a cleanser. No shit. Lemon juice is a very good natural cleanser, couldn’t be more green and environmentally friendly, and I use it on my shower tiles. Housekeeping tip from me to you, free of charge.

Squeeze the little bear until you get a quarter to a third cup of honey. This recipe is very fluid, adjust it to the size of your chicken breasts. These are some Dolly-esque chicken boobies here, almost two pounds. So I used a third cup of everything. These two breasts, by the way, will easily feed four people, and the package only cost a little over $4. Split chicken breasts are usually a better deal than the boneless, skinless variety.

Pour the honey into the lemon juice. You will likely have to scape the honey out of the measuring cup. If you are good at eye-balling amounts, you could just squeeze the bear directly into the juice. The honey in this recipe will not only add flavor, but it will help the skin caramelize later in the cooking process. So if you want to go a little heavy on the honey, you go right ahead.

Now it’s cocktail time! Add in an equal amount of bourbon as the honey and lemon. I am calling on my good friend Jimmy Beam, but Jack or Johnny could easily stand in for Jim. If you aren’t a bourbon drinker,  and I confess I am not, you can buy the little airplane sized bottles at the liquor store. They only cost a couple of bucks and you aren’t investing in a booze you don’t drink.

Whisk the shit out of this concoction. You want the honey to dissolve into the juice and the booze. Then rest the chicken skin side down into the bowl. Cover it and put it in the ‘fridge until you are ready to cook it. The longer it soaks the better, so I did this at noon and will pop the bird in the oven around 6 p.m.

Next entry: The chicken goes into the oven and comes out delicious.

This, to me, would normally be a chicken wings, pizza and beer day. But since I am trying to chisel some of the flab off my fat ass, I am planning something equally as tasty but not nearly as ass-widening as wings and pizza.

I make some killer salsa. Fat free, full of flavor and loaded with all those antioxidants that kick the shit out of cancer. Paired with a few chips (this stuff is so good we scoop a boatload of salsa into every Tostitos scoop) it is much better for my thighs than deep fried chicken rolled in butter and hot sauce.

Allow me to illustrate:

First I roast some Anaheim peppers and some tomatillos, which look like little green tomatoes, and they are in the same family as tomatoes, but are actually a type of gooseberry. I shit you not. They are covered in this sticky outer husk that is easy to peel off, and you want to give them a little rinse before roasting. I put the peppers and the tomatillos in the oven on broil for a few minutes until the skins darken and they become soft.

Then I dice a green pepper and some cilantro leaves. I love cilantro. I love the scent and the fresh taste. But some people can’t tolerate cilantro, it can make them gag. I read somewhere that it’s in your DNA code whether you will be a fan of cilantro or not. I don’t know if that’s a scientific fact, but I love it and I warn people of any recipe I put it in just in case they are in the anti-cilantro camp. And if you live in the no-cilantro camp, by all means omit it.

Next I chop up a couple of shallots and a couple of cloves of garlic. Shallots are like little baby red onions and to me, they are sweeter and have a milder flavor than their full-sized cousins. There’s a ton of flavor going on in this salsa, so I like to use shallots. You can just rough chop the shallots  and garlic (be sure to peel off the inedible skins from both. That papery stuff is not good eats.) Be quick about it if you are like me and your eyes tend to get weepy from a strong onion aroma.

Then I slice a fresh jalapeno. Now, if you like heat, leave in the ribs and the seeds. If you do not, take them out. I leave some in cause I like a little heat. Be sure to scrub your hands thoroughly with soap and hot water when you are done chopping any hot pepper because, hear this voice of experience, you will feel the pain of a thousand flaming spears in your eyes if you touch them before getting the capsaicin, the compound that makes peppers hot, off your hands.

And Ceiling Cat and Baby Jeebus help you if you use the bathroom before scrubbing.

Next step is to take the tomatillos and the peppers out of the oven, let them cool a few minutes, and remove the stems and the skin from the peppers. It peels right off after roasting. I leave in some of the seeds on the Anaheims cause I like their mild heat, but I take out the biggest cluster cause that’s just too many seeds.  Toss all it into the food processor with the shallots, garlic, green bell peppers and cilantro. Send the whole thing around for a quick whirl on puree. I don’t like it too soupy, so I only puree it for about five seconds.

Now, open a can of fire-roasted, diced tomatoes. The fire-roasting adds amazing flavor and if you get them already diced you have saved yourself a step. Could you fire-roast your own tomatoes? Sure. But the canned is really good and available all year round and I’d like to see the game sometime today so I use the can.

The dressing for this salsa is fresh lime juice. Don’t use the sweetened Rose’s lime juice intended to make margaritas. Just slice open one fresh lime and squeeze it over the salsa. The trick to getting citrus fruit to give up the juice is to roll it around applying gentle pressure before you slice it. Works like a charm. Add a dash of salt and mix it all up. Taste it.

Too hot? Add more tomatoes or bell peppers to dilute it. And remember next time to remove more seeds and veins from the hot peppers or omit the jalapeno all together. Not enough heat? You could mince up another jalapeno, or if you are very daring, mince up a Scotch bonnet (a.k.a. habenero) and you will set your mouth on fire.

Serve with Tostitos scoops. They make the best vessel to deliver the most salsa to your mouth per dip.

By the way, the best way to cool a tongue flaming from capsaicin? Milk. Seriously. There’s a scientific explanation of enzymes binding with proteins or whatever, but trust me, it works. Beer, water or soda willonly make matters worse.

Next up? My honey-bourbon chicken is for what I hope to be a victory dinner for the Colts.

And as a last hurrah before the old year ended and the new one started with a new-found resolve to get back to healthy eating, I thought I would make us a tasty breakfast. Stuffed French toast sounded good, but I had never made it and had no fresh fruit.

So this is my improvised-on-the-fly version. And it turned out fan-fucking-tastic and it was easy and if I were throwing calorie-caution to the wind, I would totally make this again.

Here’s what I assemebled:

What you don’t see here is a teaspoon of powdered sugar, but I’ll point out when that comes in. I am a firm believer in getting all the ingredients out at once because otherwise I am just a disorganized mess.

Now I really don’t need 18 eggs. I only needed four (and as it turns out, I could have used three) so I borked the eggs into this bowl and then added a little heavy cream and a little skim milk. That’s because skim milk would be too light, heavey cream would be too, well, heavy. A couple of tablespoons of each meet in the middle to make the eggs creamy and fluffy.

And then I added about a teaspoon of cinnamon because French toast is pretty bland without it. I used to not care for cinnamon in my French toast batter (if you’ve seen the movie “The Hangover,” you could say I was like a tiger) but I’ve since decided it adds a lot of flavor if it’s not overdone. This is totally optional if you don’t like cinnamon.

All of the egg/milk/cinnamon mixture was beaten until it cried, and then I started on the fillng. Now, stuffed French toast typically has a nice fruit compote in it and it is heavenly. Frozen berries would work very well here, but I was even out of that, so I decided to make a fruity creamy mix to stuff my toast.

And to do that, I sweetened about 3 ounces of mascarpone cheese (half a tub) with a teaspoon of powdered sugar and then added a tablespoon of my personal favorite toast condiment, Smucker’s black raspberry jam.

After I whipped the jam into the Italian cream cheese (I prefer that to Philly brand, but you could totally use that instead) the mixture was a color that I imagine would be most pleasing to a little kid. I loved it, too. You could totally use any flavor of jam or jelly you like. Strawberry would be amazing in this, so would orange marmalade or, if you are really sophisticated, a fig jam would be awesome. I have a preference for black raspberries because you can buy them at roadside stands in Indiana in the summer and to me, they are the next best thing to chocolate.

So I smeared it all over six slices of bread. Then I put the bread slices together like a sandwich and soaked them in the egg mixture for a few minutes while a couple of tablespoons of butter browned in a hot skillet. Then into the skillet went my three sandwiches.

Since the skillet was screaming hot, it only took a few minutes on each side. I was also trying not to get the creamy mixture in the middle so hot it would ooze out into the pan instead of on my plate — the preferred oozing place. So I had to make quick work of searing these French toast sandwiches.

When I was done, I simply had to toss on a few pecans because it’s not breakfast without a handful of pecans to me (I put them on pancakes, waffles, in cereal, yogurt, whatever) and then I think French toast always needs a kiss of whip cream. I used fat-free Reddi Whip. This is the finished product. At the table we topped it with a bit of sugar-free maple syrup.

And it was very tasty, if I do say so myself. If you are not calories conscious, I would recommend more filling. If you are, you could easily make this with reduced fat Philly and fresh fruit, use Egg Beaters and skim only in the batter, and a good butter substitute in a non-stick pan. Sky’s the limit on this one.

I am now looking forward to summer more than I usually do. If I am very good and meet my weight loss goals in 2010, I am totally making this with fresh black raspberries from some roadside stand in Indiana.

And to prove my love for Nigella Lawson.

Two weeks ago Saturday, I was watching the Food Network because that’s what I do on Saturday mornings, and I saw a show featuring Nigella Lawson, that sexy, buxom British beauty who enchants me. On this very special episode, Nigella does Christmas and she baked a cake in this Bundt pan that looked like a grove of Christmas trees.

I squealed like a bitch. HAD to have it.

So I went to Amazon and ordered it. Here’s a picture of what the eventual cake should look like.

Now I should have gone online and looked up Nigella’s recipe, because she never makes anything that’s overly complicated. Instead I decided to make the recipe that came with the cake pan.

And if this cake comes out even slightly edible, I feel like I could pass myself off as a French pasty chef.

There are 14 ingredients in this cake. That’s a lot. Especially if you are used to adding oil and eggs to a box mix. Which I confess that I usually do.

So I assemble all the ingredients because if there is one thing I know for sure about cooking and baking, you are far more likely to succeed if you get all the ingredients out first. Mise en place, as the French say: everything in it’s place.

I greased and sugared the pan (Paula Deen trick: don’t use flour, use powdered sugar for cake pans) and then started mixing all this stuff. Cream the shortening and sugar. Add egg whites and beat till fluffy. This meant I got to use my nifty new egg separator that was supposed to be in my stocking.

Add in vanilla pudding mix, vanilla extract and sour cream. Mix all that. Sift in half of the flour/baking powder/salt mixture. Add in 3/4 of the milk. Mix and add the rest of the flour.

At this point I am thinking I would never do all this even if I was a man trying to shag Nigella.

But when you’ve come this far, there’s no turning back.

I portioned out two cups of batter and folded in white chocolate chips. Unless I burn the shit out of this cake there is no way it could taste bad. I stuffed all that batter into the pan. Then I returned to the rest of the batter.

Now I had to fold in egg yolks, cocoa, chocolate pudding mix and the rest of the milk and made this very thick, very rich batter and to that I added chocolate chips.

You could bail out Wall Street six times over with this shit.

The chocolate layer got plastered on top of the vanilla layer and then the magic cake pan went into the oven for an hour.

When I took it out and the toothpicks came out clean, I had to wait for 10 minutes for it to cool before I could see if it would fall out the pan in one perfect piece.

The 10 longest minutes of my week. And it’s been a long, long week.

Wait, wait, wait.

La. La. La.

And all this baking and waiting was helping to take my mind off the fact that my in-laws arrive tomorrow. Which will mean five or six long days of holding my breath waiting for my mother-in-law to say something evil to me. Ah, holiday fun.

So the timer finally went off and I rushed over to the cake, inverted it onto a plate, flipped it over and, VIOLA, seven of eight trees came out with perfect tops. The other one was a bit crumbly, no doubt because I didn’t get batter all the way down into the pan.

This cake is almost as beautiful as Nigella.

When it cooled, I sprinkled on powdered sugar snow and it’s a thing to behold. It looks like a happy winter wonderland of calories.

Last night we sliced into it and…well let’s just say there was “O” faces all around. This is maybe the best cake EVER. Even my MIL couldn’t say anything snarky about it.

This is why I love Christmas. Making something wonderful and beautiful that everyone likes and shares.

That was the sappiest paragraph I have ever written. And every word is true.

Merry Christmas, y’all!