I have nothing especially funny/interesting/insightful to say, but why should that keep me from writing a blog entry?
I had to run an errand for work this morning, which was a very good thing because I got to go to Starbucks. I was practically talking dirty to my iced grande non-fat, no-whip white chocolate mocha.
Hello, my creamy little lover. Did you miss me? I missed you.
This made me happy. Then I got the bright idea to stop by my favorite little bakery to get my favorite sandwich for lunch because I had to spend my lunch hour at my desk taking a mandatory harassment training thingy online.
So I get my favorite sandwich (prosciutto, fresh mozzarella and roasted tomatoes on a fresh baguette) and I head back to my office three blocks away.
Except it took me almost 20 minutes to go three blocks because apparently there is some antique car convention in town and I got stuck behind a couple of dozen jalopies that are doing about 5 mph. Downtown. During working hours.
Thanks a lot, toy-car-driving douche bags.
So I get back to my desk and start this training and it warns you right away that it will take two hours and don’t you even think about rushing through it because it will be timed and if you finish early you have to GO BACK TO THE START and re-do sections until you do your whole two hours.
Ugh.
So I fire it up and it’s the usual corny, unimaginative presentation created by some HR jackhole of stories of harassed employees and a fake newscast. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?
And while you heard all the actors talking, there was no accompanying video. You saw the story characters in a variety of still photo headshots that changed expressions randomly.
Utterly creepy.
After a while, just to amuse myself, I made the swooshing sound that the Chairman makes when he moves on “Iron Chef America” after every photo change.
Lessons learned: I am a dork. And sexual touching is not OK at work.
Wow. We really need to tell people that in today’s world? I thought everyone knew I am a dork.
I read as slowly as I could and checked Twitter only once and finished in 2 hours and 6 minutes. I am disappointed in my performance since I was aiming for 2:01.
When my workday was done, I was driving home when some young punk in a piece-of-shit Toyota cut me off merging lanes. I grumbled to myself that I hoped his girlfriend gives him crotch crabs that she caught while banging his best buddy when all of a sudden he waves out his open window at me.
You know, once of those “thanks” waves you give when someone lets you into a lane.
OK, so now I hope his girlfriend is parasite-free and faithful. I wave back to say “It’s cool, dude.”
Then he gives me a thumbs up. And I give him a thumbs up back.
Then he starts to spell out the digits of his phone number with his fingers…5…4…0…
I am dying laughing at this point.
I call my husband to tell him some kid is hitting on my on U.S. 460 and he’s all, “Am I gonna have to kick some dude’s ass” and I’m all “No, but that’s so cute of you to offer,” and he’s all “I’m not being cute, I’m going go all medieval on his ass,” and I’m all “You’re so sexy when you quote ‘Pulp Fiction,’” and that was pretty much it.
I turned on to my street, my roadside Romeo waved goodbye and I went home and ate leftover Chinese takeout and lasagna.
Weird day, huh?
Then he gives me a thumbs up.
