After making the monumental step of going to the gym on Sunday, I made the monumentally stupid decision to step on my bathroom scale.
I would like to say it wasn’t as bad as I feared. But I hardly ever get to say what I like.
I spent most of 2008 shedding 50 pounds. It seems that I spent a good portion of 2009 piling 24 of those pounds right back on.
When I finally pried myself out of the fetal position that I curled into, I had to admit to myself that I already knew this to be true. I’ve only been wearing the same two pairs of jeans and one pair of khakis for months because I can’t squeeze my ass into any of my wardrobe full of pants. I can see the fat oozing over the top of my waistband and bulging through my shirts.
But numbers are scary as shit. Numbers bend you over and spank you hard. And not in a fun, kinky way.
And I fretted and I worried and I beat myself up emotionally for failing for the umpteenth time in my life. I ended up with a migraine.
It was so fucking hard to take this weight off in 2008 and I am so disappointed in myself for letting 2009 take me half way back to where I was.
But I abso-fuckin-lutley cannot go back to Weight Watchers. I cannot sit through those ridiculous meetings and I cannot log in every bite of food I eat and I cannot agonize whether I swam enough laps in the morning to earn the estimated points in a slice of birthday cake in the afternoon. Real people don’t live that way and I like to live like a real person.
So I have spent this week doing the best I can to make good food choices. No vending machine treats. No McDonald’s drive thru at lunch. But no tabulating point values for every step I take and every bite I eat.
And I lost two of the 24 pounds.
Good for you! (On losing 2 of the 24). I don’t like my scale at all. No matter how good I feel about my successes, I am always deflated when I step on that damn thing. Sigh. I’m counting my calories and watching what I eat and counting my steps and omg, why can’t I just lose this weight? Just 15 lbs. Why is that so much to ask??
Good for you, love! That’s AWESOME!
I lost 25lbs s l o w l y (took me 9 months, I think?) just before I met Chebbar. Couple too many restaurant meals with no hesitation to skip workouts to spend time with him, and I quickly gained back most of it. Then I found out that I wouldn’t have a job in three months time, and the combination of stress and insomnia piled on another 20-ish pounds. I’m currently 16lbs heavier than my heaviest (and that’s down about 4 – whoop-de-freaking-do!). It’s so bloody hard.
When I lost it the first time, I did it by making small, reasonable changes that I could *live* with – I moved more, made the healthiest food choices I could, cut out night time snacking, and didn’t deprive myself. It was about getting healthy, and if I happened to lose weight along the way? Great! I didn’t do anything drastic like eat lettuce leaves and carrot sticks, and I didn’t kill myself trying to run 5 miles a day. I *know* it can be done; I’m just having a really hard time getting back into that mindset and not focusing on how fat/awful/disappointed I feel.
Sorry for the novel. *blush*
xoxo
Thanks for the novel, Chibi. It’s good to know other people are in the same struggle. I’ve never been skinny, slender, small, petite, anything like that. It’s been the best of times when I could be described as chubby. It’s a lifelong struggle for me and I also eat based on my emotions.
We’ll just have to support each other. We can do this.
Danielle: Losing weight is so very hard. I always lose a lot the first week I try because the lack of calories is like a shock to my system. From this point on, I’ll be lucky to drop a few ounces each week without a rigid calorie restrictive/exercise routine.
And the last 15 pounds is a barrier I’ve never been able to climb. When I have been close to my goal weight, that’s when I always fail because it just will not come off.
Pretty good site. Keep up the good work