Downscaling.net

I promise that once the holidays are over, me and several million other of my closest fattie friends are going to pretend we are all the biggest losers and get all religious about nutrition and excerise.

That is then. This is now. And my hubby (from here on known as Hoylier, cause it’s an old nickname that he’s adopted as his Twitter handle. Just go with it.) needs a tasty treat to take to his office potluck tomorrow.

A few months ago, my book club read the “Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society” (a chick flick in a book, but a good read nonetheless) and for our discussion we brought German-inspired food (the book is set in post-WWII British Isle that were occupied by the Nazis during the war.) At the same time, I came into possession of “Mrs. Rowe’s Little Book of Southern Pies” and it had a recipe for German chocolate pie.

Hello, lover.

Now this recipe not only calls for homemade pie crust (not happening in my kitchen ever) but it also calls for pudding made from scratch. I subbed in a premade graham cracker crust, but I whisked the pudding over the stove and followed the rest of recipe to the letter.

Homemade pudding? A pain, to say the least. And the pie, while very tasty, was really too rich. People had a hard time finishing a single slice. (I didn’t, but I am a lifetime chocolate addict and it takes a lot to be too rich for me.)

So, I thought to myself: Self, you have a kick ass recipe for a puddin’ mousse concoction (my term for it and it’s self explanatory when you taste it) that is dreamy and light. Sub that in and retain the original topping and you got yourself a winner that people can eat in one sitting.

So that’s what I did. And you get to go on this journey with me. And for all you non-cooks out there, this is SO EASY you can make it and finally get your detractors to shut their pie-hole about your lack of cooking skills. Seriously, this rocks and anyone can do it.

Here’s (almost) everything you need in this photo. I left out the egg and sugar. It’s my first venture into photoblogging so don’t hate. You want a perfect food photo blog, click here and here.

Now, here’s the recipe for the puddin’ mousse that you can make in as many variety of flavors that Jell-O manufactures:

Two little boxes or one big box of Jell-O instant pudding
A cup and a half of chilled water
A can of Eagle brand sweetened condensed milk
A pint of heavy whipping cream

Mix the water, the pudding powder and the can of milk thoroughly in a bowl. Set it in the fridge to stay cool while you whip the cream.

Pour the pint of cream into a stand mixer (preferred but I don’t have one…hear that, Santa!) or in a deep bowl and use your hand mixer. Slowly increase the speed until you are beating the shit out of this stuff. You are looking for stiff peaks and it’s not nearly as easy to achieve that in cream as it is in husbands. This takes a while. the folks at Food Network edit out the boring bits, and whipping this cream until it stands up is the hardest part of this recipe.

I stop the mixer and hand whip it for a while, because that is good exercise and it helps get needed air into the cream. If you can whip the whole damn thing by hand, you will end up with guns like that kid in the teenage vamp erotica movie all the cougars are raving about. Once it’s firm (not dripping off the spoon) put it in the fridge to chill out with the puddin’ mousse.

Here’s the recipe for the pecan/coconut/caramel topping from the book (this is what makes it German chocolate, because we all know how coconuts grow on every damn corner in Germany. WTF??) I doubled the ingredients because the puddin’ mousse fills two shells. And it’s always nice to have two of something this good.

A stick of unsalted butter
A cup of sugar
Two cans of evaporated milk
Two eggs, well-beaten
Two cups of shredded, sweetened coconut
A cup of pecan pieces

(In this photo, I was making topping for single pie, so I had to do this twice. The amounts above are doubled and will make enough for two pies. Integrity in blogging? I haz it comin’ out my damn pores.)

Now, beat the holy hell out the eggs in a bowl. Add the both cans of evaporated milk, the butter, the beaten eggs and the sugar to saucepan over medium heat and start whisking. You will need to keep whisking to make sure the sugar dissolves and the egg doesn’t scramble.

Get this concoction to the bubbly point but not boiling. Add the coconut and the pecans and stir well. Set aside to cool a bit.

Get the puddin’ mousse and the cream out of the fridge and combine. This stuff? It is the creamiest, fluffiest, tastiest damn stuff you will ever eat. It’s good all by itself, I swear. And as I wrote earlier, you can make this in any flavor and use it in so many recipes. Fruit and cake trifles? To die for. Layered between slices of pound cake? You will make an “O” face for sure. This stuff is a prime example of a dessert that will get you laid. Take that, Cook to Bang dude.

Once it’s thoroughly mixed, pour it into the two pie shells. Soon as the topping concoction is cooled, dole it over the top of each of the pies. Cover and refrigerate until firmly set. Serve cold.

I could sit down with a fork and eat this entire pie. Not ashamed to say it either. If you make this dessert, please post a comment and let me know what you think. Hopefully you really like it. If it’s a big old FAIL, let me know that, too. But the only way I can see this not making someone all happy in their pants is that they hate German chocolate anything or coconut or they hold some deep resentment for Heidi Klum.

(Notice my oh-so-cute kitchen Christmas decor? Yeah, you can make fun of me. I can take it.)