I started this blog to track my progress in dropping pounds. Since I started it, I lost a little bit of weight. But I have, in all likelihood, gained that weight back and probably a little bit more.
I suck.
I can always come up with a million reasons why I feel the need to eat food that is not good for me. Currently, my favorite indulgence is caramel apples. It is fall, after all, and what says autumn joy more than a perfectly healthy, fibrous fruit that is swathed in sugary, buttery caramel and dotted with tiny nuts?
Oh caramel apples, I wish I could quit you.
Then there is my perpetual love affair with Starbucks and it’s liquid candy bar known as white chocolate mocha. And I have been spamming @Starbucks on Twitter begging for the return of the salted caramel hot chocolate. Because one addiction is just not enough.
This week I have been laid out flat with the bacon plague. And so of course, there were no trips to the gym or walks outside enjoying the fresh air. Instead, I inhaled an entire package of tiny chocolate cupcakes and ordered a pizza.
I will be the only person in America to contract H1N1 and gain weight. Seems like there should be a prize for that, or at least a guest spot on the Today show.
But all my excuses are lame, and I know what I need to do. Tomorrow I will return to my unsatisfying job and be buried under a week’s worth of work and I will feel overwhelmed and ready to cry and I will reach for comfort food, self-anaesthetising with calories like I always do when I just can’t cope.
Or, I can just decide right now not to do that.
I can go in to my office tomorrow, put in my photo assignment straight away, and then start sorting through my inbox, one item at a time. I can just smile and tell people that I will be with them as soon as I can, that I will deal with their problems, needs, wants, etc. as soon as it is appropriate, set my priorities and stick with it.
And as soon as I am finished with my late afternoon reporting assignment, I can just go home or to the gym for a bit of light exercise.
I can start to put myself first, and if it disappoints people, so the fuck what? I hate my job. Why do I give a rat’s ass what they think of me? I have been killing myself emotionally for almost four years to earn respect I will never get. Screw them. All of them.
It’s time to get an attitude check. I will do my best every single day until I don’t work there anymore, which I hope will be next year. And in the meantime, I will do what’s best for me. I will stay focused on the goals that make me happy, that fulfill me creatively and physically. And I will always put myself first.
Every. Single. Day.
