Downscaling.net

I am attending BlogHer 10 in New York next week and I could not be more excited, even if I am a wee bit anxious.

I don’t care about private parties. I had no expectation of being invited to an exclusive party by people I’ve never met because I’m kind of realistic that way.

Besides, I have a confirmation for all the parties I really want to attend, including the Aiming Low EZPZ party which should be heavily populated by cool people that I actually read.

If I don’t get a chance to meet rock star bloggers like this one or this one, I will be mildly disappointed but my world will surely not end.

Oh, I may sniffle a bit and wallow in my own self-pity on the train ride home if I don’t make any new, lifelong besties. But when I do arrive home I will not slash a vein because I didn’t shake hands with her or her or her (the latter two should be at the Aiming Low party, so I like my chances.)

There’s always next year.

If I am on the outside looking in at BlogHer, I really have no one but myself to blame because if I paid proper attention to this blog people might read it, know me and actually want to meet me.

My poor little neglected blog is a mirror image of my poor neglected fitness/weight loss strategy, which is why I started the damn thing in the first place. I have the best intentions with both but I don’t get much accomplished.

I’m leaving in less than seven days,  I accept that I won’t lose 50 pounds by the time my Amtrak pulls into Penn Station because I am realistic that way.

But I do have another blog that I am actually paid to write. I know, crazy, right? I mean I have to do a whole bunch of other stuff, but this blog is part of my job.

So I hope there will be plenty to learn at BlogHer that will help me with this sorry-assed neglected blog and with my other blog that I maintain faithfully but would love to improve.

And if I do make a few new besties, like this one or this one, then I will be a happy BlogHer newbie.

I have nothing especially funny/interesting/insightful to say, but why should that keep me from writing a blog entry?

I had to run an errand for work this morning, which was a very good thing because I got to go to Starbucks. I was practically talking dirty to my iced grande non-fat, no-whip white chocolate mocha.

Hello, my creamy little lover. Did you miss me? I missed you.

This made me happy. Then I got the bright idea to stop by my favorite little bakery to get my favorite sandwich for lunch because I had to spend my lunch hour at my desk taking a mandatory harassment training thingy online.

So I get my favorite sandwich (prosciutto, fresh mozzarella and roasted tomatoes on a fresh baguette) and I head back to my office three blocks away.

Except it took me almost 20 minutes to go three blocks because apparently there is some antique car convention in town and I got stuck behind a couple of dozen jalopies that are doing about 5 mph. Downtown. During working hours.

Thanks a lot, toy-car-driving douche bags.

So I get back to my desk and start this training and it warns you right away that it will take two hours and don’t you even think about rushing through it because it will be timed and if you finish early you have to GO BACK TO THE START and re-do sections until you do your whole two hours.

Ugh.

So I fire it up and it’s the usual corny, unimaginative presentation created by some HR jackhole of stories of harassed employees and a fake newscast. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

And while you heard all the actors talking, there was no accompanying video. You saw the story characters in a variety of still photo headshots that changed expressions randomly.

Utterly creepy.

After a while, just to amuse myself, I made the swooshing sound that the Chairman makes when he moves on “Iron Chef America” after every photo change.

Lessons learned: I am a dork. And sexual touching is not OK at work.

Wow. We really need to tell people that in today’s world? I thought everyone knew I am a dork.

I read as slowly as I could and checked Twitter only once and finished in 2 hours and 6 minutes. I am disappointed in my performance since I was aiming for 2:01.

When my workday was done, I was driving home when some young punk in a piece-of-shit Toyota cut me off merging lanes. I grumbled to myself that I hoped his girlfriend gives him crotch crabs that she caught while banging his best buddy when all of a sudden he waves out his open window at me.

You know, once of those “thanks” waves you give when someone lets you into a lane.

OK, so now I hope his girlfriend is parasite-free and faithful. I wave back to say “It’s cool, dude.”

Then he gives me a thumbs up. And I give him a thumbs up back.

Then he starts to spell out the digits of his phone number with his fingers…5…4…0…

I am dying laughing at this point.

I call my husband to tell him some kid is hitting on my on U.S. 460 and he’s all, “Am I gonna have to kick some dude’s ass” and I’m all “No, but that’s so cute of you to offer,” and he’s all “I’m not being cute, I’m going go all medieval on his ass,” and I’m all “You’re so sexy when you quote ‘Pulp Fiction,’” and that was pretty much it.

I turned on to my street,  my roadside Romeo waved goodbye and I went home and ate leftover Chinese takeout and lasagna.

Weird day, huh?

Then he gives me a thumbs up.

Charles Barkley, the former-NBA-player-now-professional-fat-guy, once said that it was stupid to start a diet in the middle of the week.

I wholeheartedly agreed with that statement. So much so that I have often spent Wednesdays through the weekends stuffing my face like I’m a death row inmate’s and the warden is on his way.

So while I did spend a lot of time in the swimming and working out in the pool last week and I did try to make better food choices – remember I did order that salad that one time – I was on vacation and I was in Amish country and OMG Amish women make some spec-fucking-tacular pies. So there was a little butterscotch and peanut butter cream pie indulgences.

I was fully intended to dedicate myself, once again, to healthy eating and exercise starting today. Because it’s Monday.

I even had a pretty good plan when I went to bed last night: Wake up early, one cup of coffee, fresh fruit for breakfast, hit the organic hippie sandwich shop for lunch, and make it to water aerobics at the gym by 6 p.m. Then when I came home, I was going to clean out my pantry and rid it of as much processed food as possible.

On the Monday when I went to back to work after being on vacation for more than a week. On the Monday when clearly the work fairy took a giant dump all over my desk while I was away.

Sometimes I surprise myself with my own optimism. Or stupidity.

Optimism sounds better so let’s go with that one, m’kay?

Any old hoo, all I managed was a vending machine sandwich for lunch and a rotisserie chicken with a bagged salad for dinner. And now all I hope is to stay awake long enough to see tonight’s episode of “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

So, fuck Charles Barkley. I can start over in the middle of the week. Same plan, different day. Tuesdays are like 100 percent better than Mondays.

In the meantime, I am inspired by this blog.

I follow this talented, smart lady on Twitter and I am a fan of her other blog.

I don’t think I can give up all grains, but I like the idea of thinking about food in a more balanced way and trying to separate emotions from food, which has for so long been my frenemy.

Today is the first day of my vacation. And vacations never suck.

Besides the obvious time away from work, what I enjoy most about vacations is the possibilities. Days when you can do anything or nothing are just magical and so hard to come by that when you have them, you should savor them.

I’d also like to take some time during this vacation to really think about what I want to do with my life. For this, I will need a boat and a large body of water. Because I do my very best thinking on such vessels with the calmness and serenity of nature around me.

Luckily, my in-laws live on a lake in Indiana and they happen to have a boat. Stage set.

What I really need to contemplate is what do I really want to accomplish as a writer, how do I want to proceed with my career, and what, if anything, do I want to do about my weight loss plan.

These are heavy issues (pun completely intended, insert eye roll here) and I need some quiet time to weigh out (yeah, there’s another one) all my options.

I feel that my daily job gets in the way of so many of the things that I really want to do, but it also enables me to polish my skills as a journalist, interact in my community and be a part of a team that gives me pride.

I have always worked, so having a job is part of my identity and I wonder that if I quit to pursue other things, like grad school or building a career as a freelancer or an author, if I would lose a huge sense of self.

Working nine to five on weekdays should not be impeding my weight loss, but it feels like it does. Still, if I took that excuse out of the mix, what would I have left?

I love to take photos, but I am amateur at best. I might want to take a class this fall to improve my skills, but can I live up to that commitment on top of everything else?

And what about my “online identity”?

I want to build my blog as a form of self expression and to reach out to other people struggling with the same issues of loving-food-dreading-exercise-trying-to-stay-alive as I am. I know I need to make those much-ballyhooed life changes or I will end up disabled and dead from morbid obesity. I need a community and a way to talk to them.

I know they are out there. How do I reach them when I only post once in a while and often it’s about nothing evenly remotely related to the topic?

Maybe my trip to BlogHer10 will inspire me. Or maybe I will feel like the fat kid that nobody knows or wants to know.

This is most certain: I need the next ten days to think.

I need the next ten days to look very seriously at what I want and how to get it.

And we need to stock the cooler because I am going to be on that boat for a long time.